Future, What Future?

I am depressed about my future. I feel like I don't have one. I feel like my dreams are falling through the cracks or shattering into a million and one pieces. I just don't know what to do anymore. The interview season is almost over (2 or 3 months depending on the school) and I have yet to hear back from one medical school. It is getting beyond frustrating. I've tried really hard not to think about it, but it's all that I can think about lately. I really want to go to medical school and I feel like it is going to be the best place for me, but I guess the schools are thinking otherwise. Sigh...

I've started looking into taking the GRE and applying to graduate schools in biochemistry because I don't think I'm going to get into medical school. This is something that I don't want to do because I don't want to be in a lab my whole life. I want to be interacting with people and healing them. It looks like this isn't going to happen though. Sigh... Life is so depressing right now.

What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? Should I call or email the medical schools to see about my application status?

I feel like a failure.

It's Been Awhile...

It's been awhile since I've written on this blog. Sorry about that. I know some of you find my deeper thoughts more interesting than my random stories, thoughts, and adventures. As I have been writing my medical school applications, I have gone on a journey of self-discovery. I have learned so much about myself as I have poured over essays, thought about my life, and lived life! It has been an exciting time. In due time, I'll share some of my discoveries with you.

Right now, I want to talk about a quote I put up on my blog awhile ago and how it relates to my life (this goes along with the learning from medical school applications theme that will be my next couple of posts). Here is the quote so you don't have to go back and read it: "We think that when we are driven out of the usual path, everything is over for us; but it is just here that the new and the good begins. As long as there is life, there is happiness. There is much, much before us!" -Tolstoy

When I first discovered my attraction for men in high school, I thought myself as a sinner. I didn't believe that I had any worth on this earth and that I wasn't meant to be here. This soon changed when I entered college. Being gay and "abnormal" (that's how I used to see myself) drove me out of my original path. I thought that life was over for me. I hated my life. I hated God. I hated my family. I hated the whole world. However, my journey in college has completely changed that perspective. Coming to terms with myself helped me realize that "the new and the good begins" here and that my path is new, but great. I have experienced life to its fullest in my time at college. I have lived, laughed, and loved (it's cliche, I know). My path may not have been what I expected or wanted it to be, but I'm perfectly fine with that now. I have realized that "as long as there is life, there is happiness." This quote has directly applied to my life and I'm sure that it can apply to everybody.

My life is going to keep living and I'm not going to fall behind my life and sit in a dark corner. That part of my life is past. I'm always going to be there jumping in leaps and bounds because I have worth, I have a purpose, and I have passion. I have so much before me and I never want to be left behind again.

Annoyed

I am kind of annoyed right now. Actually, more than annoyed. There is this guy in lab that I work with that looks down upon me because I am a undergraduate (he's a grad) and that I didn't serve a mission. It really bothers the crap out of me. He talks down to me and he makes himself seem like he's so much better than me. Guess what... you're not!

The thing that bothers me the most is that he always tells me that I can still go on a mission. I have told him numerous times that the First Presidency told me to move on with my life and not worry about serving a mission, but he still bothers me about it. He tells me how great his mission was and how everybody needs to go. Get off your freaking high horse for heaven's sake! Seriously! I wish he would just leave me alone. I swear the topic comes up once a week or every other week. It's so bad! He also tells me that I could try again. To which I remind him what the First Presidency told me and that I am applying to medical school right now... not a good idea to delay going into medical school. Sometimes I wonder how smart he is.

I just wish he would realize that missions aren't for everyone.

I can also see why he isn't married at 30... hahaha! (That was mean but I really don't care right now).

The Score Is In...

The score is in... I actually got it on the 2nd... I haven't had time to post my score because I have been CELEBRATING! :) I met my goal of a 35 and got a 36! I'm so stoked! I can't really even describe all of the feelings I'm feeling right now. It is just amazing! I DID IT!

For those of you who don't know, the MCAT is graded out of 45 and on a curve. The average of the test is 24 and the average of getting into medical school is about a 30. Getting a 33 on the test puts you in the 90th percentile of those who took the test and get a 36 puts me in about the 95th-96th percentile! I'm way excited with my score! All of my hard work paid off and I can go to a lot of good schools and hopefully receive some scholarship money! All that I have to do is finish all of my applications and get them in. I'm hoping to get all of them in by the end of July. Then it's waiting for interviews and then acceptance letters. It's an exciting time in my life right now and a great adventure! I'm on the road to fulfilling what I believe my purpose here in life is.

Thanks everyone for you support! :)

Endowments

I think that my bishop wants me to get endowed soon and has started preparing me for that big leap. I know that he originally mentioned to me that when I go off to medical school that it would be a good idea to get endowed before I go. He hasn't brought the idea up for a very long time, but all of the sudden he has been meeting with me at least once a month, if not more, when we haven't done that in almost a year now. Another one of my suspicions is due to the fact that I was recently called be the librarian in the ward. I haven't had a calling in over two years now (I'm not even a home teacher--he told the elder's quorum president not to give me any families and partner) and then all of the sudden he whips a calling out to me. During the calling interview, I told him that I was scared that I was going to be a primary teacher due to the fact that I don't have a lot of time to prepare since I'm always studying. He then mentioned that calling might be on its way. I'm not sure if he was joking or if he is preparing me for teaching callings, then other bigger callings, and then receiving my endowments.

To quite honest, I'm completely scared to have my endowments taken out and I personally don't want to do it. There is still a lot of aspects of my life that I'm still unsure in--the Church being one of them. Am I willing to stay in the Church my whole life, even if that means not getting married, having children, and having a significant other? Am I going to eventually fall away and by making the endowment promises throw myself to the dogs of hell? Am I even sure that the Church is true? Along with a lot of other questions that will probably not go away anytime soon.

I'm only 21 years old! I am not old enough to make decisions of this great enormity and significance. Just like I'm not old enough to make the decision to marry. I'm still unsure about my route in life. Right now, I plan on staying in the Church because I don't want to be kicked out from BYU among other things. What happens after that though? How will my life change? I want to get out and experience life outside of Utah before I make my final decision on what I really want in life. Again, I'm only 21 and I still have a lot of living, growing, and learning to do.

It makes me wonder if the only reason why my bishop wants me to be endowed soon is to help keep me in the Church.

Soul Food

Souls too, like rivulets and plants, need a different kind of rain: hope, faith, a reason to live. When this did not come to pass, everything in that soul died, even if the body went on living; and people could say: "Here in this body there was once a man."

-The Fifth Mountain by Paulo Coelho

Hope, faith, and a reason to live are food for the soul. Can a man truly live without all of these or with only one or two? I believe that he cannot.

HOPE is change. A man can hope for a better life, a better future, a partner to spend the rest of his life with, a good job, friends, a supportive family, a place on a sports team, and the list can go on and on. What does hope give man? Hope gives man something to look forward to and something to work on. It means something more than just dreams. It is active and constantly changing as life changes. Hope gives meaning to life by providing man with a sense movement and change for the better. Man without hope is barren. He feels there is no future with him. That he is destined to be the same person always and forever--never changing.

FAITH is mysterious. A man can have faith in his brother's words, God, the company he is working for, his family, a bishop or religious leader, and anything man sees fit to have faith in, but man does not fully understand it. What does faith give man? Faith gives man a greater knowledge and understanding of the divine. It shows beauty and greatness in the simplicity of life. It gives man trust in another person or God and allows man to work directly with them. Faith is also constantly changing and developing into something bigger and better. Faith is mysterious because it shows the simplicity in life, yet it also shows the greatness. How can it do both? That is what makes in mysterious. Faith gives meaning to life by providing man with knowledge of God and trust in God and other people. If man does not have faith, he doesn't look to the greater part of world including the spiritual. He does not trust his family, friends, and people in general. He will most likely think that he knows everything, when in reality he knows nothing.

A REASON TO LIVE is purpose. A man can have a reason to live by gaining passions, family, friends, work, love, school, and many other aspects of life. What does a reason to live give man? It gives man a sense of purpose and duty. It also gives man a reason to dedicate his life to something he loves. A reason to live pushes man to great heights and helps man develop into a better person. Man continues to work and improve upon his reason to live and develops a better life. A reason to live gives meaning to live by giving man a purpose in life that can make him truly happy. Without a reason to live, man has no meaning in life. He doesn't have duty or purpose to live. Man would only be on earth to sit and watch the grass grow, but even that gives him a reason to live. He would have no duty or purpose on earth.

Man can only truly live if he has all of three of these. These things feed the soul and give it life. As the soul grows and expands, man moves closer to gaining his divine potential. This achievement of taking the necessary steps to divine potential provides man with happiness in the good, bad, hard, and easy times. This, however, is only done because the soul is well fed and can withstand what is thrown at it. When you feed your soul, it is like a reservoir of water. The more you feed it, the more full it will be. Then when the trials and tribulations come, part of the reservoir is drained. But if man has fed his soul with the proper food, the tough time will pass and man will survive and continue in happiness in his life. If, however, he did not feed his soul the proper food, he will have to start all over again and regain his testimony to fill the reservoir of his soul again. Man needs HOPE, FAITH, and A REASON TO LIVE to feed his soul and actually live life.

Mysterious Ways

I have been praying to God for awhile now to give me a good straight guy friend. Well, I think my prayer is finally coming true, but it is in a kind of weird way. This friend tells me that he is asexual and that he used to be gay. I trust him and have no reason to believe that he is lying to me. I just find it hard to believe because it is something new and different--something that I have never experienced it before. That is why I have a hard time believing him. Well, that and I have seen other people from Evergreen claim they went from gay to straight but then went back and cheated on their wives (some even leaving their families). That's besides the point though. I have had great conversations with him and I really enjoy talking to him. He is a really good friend. I always look forward to talking to him and I can't wait to hang out with him! I think it is going to be a lot of fun. God does work in mysterious ways and I thank him for giving me this new friend. I think it will be good for me.

It also makes me wonder if His mysterious ways explains why I am a gay. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to see what comes down the road of life and continue to look for understanding.

Clear Broth to Stew

And I had to be alone because anyone who came near me invaded me. Only in the absence of people could I boil myself down to a clear broth and add things a little at a time. Occasionally I would venture out into the world with someone else as my escort, but it guaranteed nothing. Each random moment of interaction held danger.

-Julie Gregory, Sickened

I wrote this a while ago in this post. Now, as you may have noticed, I am starting to write again. I am learning and growing. I have started to become what I have wanted to become again and things are really going well for me.

This process of going from a clear broth to an amazing stew was a hard one, but it was well worth it. I am glad that I set forth on the journey and decided to leave the MoHo world to discover myself and to become what I wanted to. I have truly never been happier. I don't have the best life, but I don't care because I am what I am and I love what I am.

What was this process of making a most delicious stew?

It started out with making goals for myself. They were just small things that I wanted to do. One of them was a small item of service every day. This could be as simple as holding a door open for someone, saying hello to someone who looked down, helping someone out with homework, or just being a friend to someone who needed one. Another one was to focus on what I am passionate about. I started focusing on school, research, work, and developing a better relationship with my family. I then made goals of what I wanted to do in the future--where I wanted to be in five years, ten years, and so on. I then decided to structure my life around how to achieve my goals. I did make some spiritual goals too, but I don't want to share them because they are personal and private.

These goals structured my life and have allowed my growth. They have allowed me to add certain ingredients, if you will, into my clear broth. They have given me direction during hard times, they have given me strength, and they have given me desire to accomplish what I set out to do. I can proudly say that I have been accomplishing my short and long term goals and I hope to continue to accomplish them.

Goals were an excellent starting point, but there was also a lot of introspection going on too. I would look at the past, look at my motives, and look at my mistakes. I learned a lot by doing this and it helped me develop a healthy sense of who I am in certain situations and how desires, moods, and many of things can change depending on the situation I am in. With all of this in mind, I have taken proactive approaches to keep me out of situations where I know I act how I do not want to act. The introspection was also looking at myself and seeing/believing that I could achieve my goals.

The last major thing that I did was to not beat myself up if I made a mistake that set me back from my goals and ultimately who I wanted to become. I eventually realized that everybody makes mistakes and it is how the person responds to the mistake the situation that has been created because of that mistake that makes them who they are. If who we are is determined by our mistakes, we would all be failures and never make the Celestial Kingdom. That is how I came to this realization.

I'm sure that there is a lot more that I did that helped me develop this stew that is me, but these are the things that stand out to me and strike me as important.

Here is to a new and better life... Cheers!

Swim

-"Swim" by Jack's Mannequin

You gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
Swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open yeah
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
For nights that wont end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers your friends
Yeah you gotta swim
For wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed is a flaw
The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim to brighter days
Despite of the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's an ocean to drift in
Feel the tide shifting away from the spark
Yeah you gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim

I love this song. It is such a wonderful message. There may be tidal waves that pull you down and try to drown you, but you gotta swimming. You have to keep swimming to survive. The horizon and your goals aren't too far away. You can make it. Don't let yourself sink... Just keep your head above and swim.

Running Away?

It has been awhile since I last posted. It hasn't been because of a lack of thinking and figuring things out. It has been a lack of time. I had a conversation with a former close friend a couple of weeks ago now and I have been milling it over and over in my mind. I wanted to figure things out before I posted about it and I think that I have a general understanding of what he was saying and how I think he is absolutely wrong.

In our conversation, he told me that I am running away from my problems and who I really am. This is because I have given my time to work, school, and that's about it. I have filled my time with other things. My time is completely filled that I don't have much free time. He claims that this is running away. He told me that this is my method of leaving my problems behind and forgetting about them. It is true that is a way for me not to focus on things that trouble me and bring me down, but I don't consider it running away. If I focus on the things that trouble me all the time, I will mope around and hate life. This is something that I don't need. It is too easy to fall into that process and never be happy and right now I am immensely happy and I don't want to lose it. I don't think that he realized that I do think about things too and try to find ways to make my problems and my life better.

Usually before I go to bed, I think about life. I think about all of the things that I have accomplished, all of the mistakes I have made, what I can do better, what I need to accomplish in the short run to achieve my long term goals, and similar things like that. Is that running away? I don't think so. I am actively trying to improve upon my life and grow. Sure everybody makes mistakes and we all hide them at times, but we do eventually face them and try to learn from our mistakes. I think that he thinks I am still trying not to face them and I can see where he is kind of coming from, but I don't think he is right.

So ever since my last fling with a boy, I have backed out of the MoHo world. I know that hanging around gay people and associating with them gets me in trouble. I haven't ditched my friends. I just don't see or contact them as much and they seem to do the same to me. I'm just in my own little world and they all seem to be in theirs and it's completely fine. Just because I haven't been associating with them and staying out of trouble means I am running away according to my former friend. I don't feel this way at all. I know that I am gay. I know that when I am around other gay men that I tend to do things with them and get into trouble. I know that when I do things with them, I usually become unhappy and feel torn in my life and things start to go downhill. I know and understand a lot about myself. Just because I have decided to not hang out with my gay friends does not mean that I am running away from my problems and who I am. I think it shows initiative on my part and show that I know more about myself than most people. I am also taking my bishop's advice by keeping myself out of situations where I have the potential to commit sin and he doesn't think it is running away either. He thinks it is smart precautions.

Am I running away? I don't think so...

Past Couple of Years

These past couple of years, I have had life defining moments that have changed my life drastically. There has been at least a big one each year and those are what I want to talk about right now. As a side note before I get into my thoughts, I think it is interesting how much I have gone through these past couple of years. Most people can't even imagine what it is like and/or will never go through as much as I have in their lifetime. Now to my thoughts...

The year that I got out of high school, 2006, is the year that I finally came out to my best friend who ended up becoming my first boyfriend. That was a major defining moment in my life. It was time for me to start accepting myself for who I am and not hide it anymore. Throughout high school, I knew that I was gay. I had so many crushes on guys and never one on a girl. I never had fantasies about girls, just guys. I wanted to hook up with some of the cutest guys and date them, but I knew that it would never happen and I kept lying to myself and others about the whole situation. Coming out was a very liberating experience. I guess it also helped that my friend came out to me that very same night. I was the first one he ever came out to too. This then lead to a relationship that I will never forget and never regret. It taught me a lot. It taught me that I can have love in my life and that I'm not the only one in the Church that experiences SSA or who is gay.

Then the next year, late 2007/early 2008, I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. This changed my way of living. In late 2007, I started getting really sick and I lost a lot of weight (50 lbs), which was all muscle :(. I then started getting worse and I had extreme pain in my abdomen. I eventually went to the hospital and found out that I had Crohn's. My life has definitely not been the same since then. I have been learning to live with pain almost constantly for a year now. There are good and bad weeks, but it is still hard. Sometimes it is so bad that I feel like there a weight on me that will never lift up, but I know that it goes away eventually. This experience has taught me that I can still push myself through the hard times and do what I need to do. It has also taught me that I can be anything that I want to be, even though it might cause a lot of pain and hardship. Another thing that I have learned is that I can change my life to fit it to my situation. I think that is probably one of the most important things that I have learned.

Now it is late 2008 and I might be diagnosed with liver cancer. This is definitely going to be a defining moment in my life if I am diagnosed. I can't even imagine how drastically my life is going to change and how it is going to be affect. What does a 20 year old do if they have cancer? Who has ever heard of a 20 year old having cancer (I know that there are people out there who do get it this young, but nobody I have ever known)? Who would have ever thought that I could get cancer at 20? It's really kind of scary, but I know that I have been preparing for it these past couple of years with the defining moments in my life along with everything else I have been going through.

Finding Meaning

And I had to be alone because anyone who came near me invaded me. Only in the absence of people could I boil myself down to a clear broth and add things a little at a time. Occasionally I would venture out into the world with someone else as my escort, but it guaranteed nothing. Each random moment of interaction held danger.

-Julie Gregory, Sickened

I can relate with Julie. Sometimes you need to run away, leave the world, friends, and family behind, look deep within yourself to find out who you really are, and then build yourself back up from a clear broth becoming who you want to be without the influence of others.

Passion

So it has been awhile and I have had time to live life a little and experience a lot. I said that I am going to examine myself by going deeper and find out the truth about me. I have found some truth and some beauty in my life in these past couple of weeks. Things have gotten exponentially better and it is because of finding things that I am passionate about.

In the book The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man's World, by Alan Downs (that was the book I mentioned in a previous post for those of you who were/are curious), it talks about how a lot of gay men lack a sense of passion for something that they truly love because they have been limiting or hiding their feelings or not feeling at all. It also talks about how they usually jump around from partner to partner, job to job, place to place, or whatever to whatever because they do not feel fulfilled in life--all because they lack something that they truly love and are passionate about. I have found that this was true for me.

When I was little and in high school, I had passion for swimming. It was my life. I absolutely loved it. It saved me from my demons inside of me and it helped me be free for four and a half hours everyday. Then when I reached college and got cut from the BYU swim team, that passion died away and my demons were no longer held at bay. They rose and I came out of the closet. I came out to one of my closest friends and he came out to me that same night. We ended up having a relationship and having sex. I loved my friend I came out to dearly and then he was ripped away from me, never to be seen or talked to again because we both decided to talk to our bishops about us. Ever since being cut and having him ripped away, I have noticed that I have lacked a strong passion in my life. There were moments when I have had strong passions for a guy that I loved or the church, but it seemed like they were never long lasting or as long lasting as swimming. The truth is that I have been bouncing around with my feelings. This includes guy to guy, my stance with the church, my stance on marriage, and many other things like these.

These past couple of weeks, I have not been really social like I am normally am. I have been staying at home, studying, working, reading, and many other things that do not involve others. I have found this to be very fulfilling and I have never been as content in my life as I am right now. I attribute this to the fact that I have found many things that I truly love and am passionate about. I have found that I absolutely love biochemistry or chemistry for that matter. I love studying it and learning about its complexities. I also love going to school and learning. It is so much fun to increase my knowledge. Research is another thing that I love. I love spending hours in my lab working with my HIV samples and figuring out the DNA sequences. I also love coaching. I love to watch my swimmers push themselves to achieve their goals and I love to help them achieve their goals. It feels so good to know that I am helping them. All of these things together have helped me find fulfillment. I feel so whole and content. I am also really happy. I am glad that I have found things that I am passionate about and I hope that I can continue to stay passionate about many things because it makes like so much better.

Going Deeper

A lot of things have been going on in my life right now. It has been interesting to say the least. I recently read a very amazing book that was referred to me by Chase. I am probably going to be talking about that and relating it to my life in upcoming posts. I'm going to dig deeper into my life and find that meaning that I am so desperately searching for. You all get to join me in my journey into the depths of my soul and the rabbit hole...

Drowning

I'm drowning right now. I don't know what to do. I'm glad school is almost back in session because I think that will help me out. I think I need to take a break so I can start to tread water again and begin to swim again.

People Pleaser

Hello, my name is Sean and I am a people pleaser. If you haven't met me, you'll have to believe me. It is something that I do. I love seeing people happy and knowing that I played a part in making them happy. I can sometimes really careless about myself in order to make someone else happy, except if the situation is making me look bad. The problem with being a people pleaser is that in order to make everyone happy, I sometimes lie, tell half truths, hide things from that person, and do things that I really don't want to do. I also have the problem of saying no to people. This causes a lot of problems and it can lead to hurt feelings, loss of friendships, and many other detrimental effects. I need to find a happy medium of being a people pleaser. I need to learn that I cannot please everyone and I cannot always make myself look good and not bad (I'm imperfect too, even though I don't like to admit this to others).

Goals

Goals have always been a very important part in my life. Ever since the age of twelve, I had goals. They ranged from spiritual, physical, schooling, dating, swimming, friends, and whatever else I felt like I needed to improve on. Right now, I have a lot of goals--take the MCAT in a year, finish my medical school prerequisites, go on two dates each month, continue to get straight "A's," etc. If you didn't notice, one important aspect of my goals are missing--the spiritual goals. I don't really have any spiritual goals right now. The main reason for this is because I am not sure which goals to have.

As you can see from my other blog, I am not ready for marriage so that isn't one of my goals right now and I'm not preparing for it. I have kind of lost my spiritual goals when I was denied from going on a mission. A year ago, I had plenty of spiritual goals because I was preparing for marriage. They ranged from bearing my testimony in church, participating in the discussions in Sunday school and Elder's Quorum, reading my scriptures daily, praying morning and night, and going on a mission. The truth is that I did pretty well on some of these goals, but with others I flopped on. That was ok with me just as long as I was trying to achieve them. I did those things and I felt prepared to go on a mission, but due to my many mistakes the First Presidency didn't feel like I should go. I was fine with this and I understand why they felt this way.

I am still fine with their decision, but the consequences of their decisions have been hitting me hard. My life has changed drastically and I have to find new goals to work on. What spiritual goals does a twenty year old have besides getting married in the temple? I have no idea! That's where I'm stuck. I'm not sure to do. I go to church, participate, and I have put service mission papers in. I try to read my scriptures and I try to pray. What else am I supposed to do? I feel like I should be doing more, but I don't know what to do. I was hoping that putting my service mission papers in and getting called to a service mission would help me out, but it hasn't. I am still waiting to be called and still missing goals. I guess I just have to keep living life and maybe I'll find some goals. I still think that the service mission will help me find some because it gives me a calling and a purpose in the Church.

I Once Was...

I get the most random inspirations or thoughts about whatever in the most unlikely of times. This happened today. I finally went back to work today after all of my problems generally got under control and vacation time finally ended. It started out with swim practice this morning--nothing unusual there. Then I went to work at Poco Loco--again nothing unusual happened. Then I headed home, ate some lunch, took some pills, and headed off to coach a swim meet. Everything was going fine until some random thoughts popped into my head. I looked around and saw that nobody was really associating with me. I usually was a gathering point when I swam with these swimmers and I still am when I am coaching, but they were paying no attention to me and it made me look back at my life.

I was once an amazing swimmer. I am not going to lie. I generally try to hide this but I have competed on the national level and won some events. I am also a state champion and record holder. People looked up to me because of my hard work, dedication, example, and because I could swim really good. As I watched the swimmers interact and swim, I felt like a part of me had left. I used to be in amazing shape. Now, I'm not in good shape because I have a disease ravaging my body. I used to be faster than anyone on the team right now, but if I got in and swam against any of them, I would be lucky to beat them in a 25 or a 50. It makes me really sad. Why was I once a great swimmer and now why am I a fallen swimmer? I have no idea. All that I know is that it is depressing and it brought tears to my eyes today--it's a good thing that I had sunglasses on.

Then this caused me to think about life in general and the premortal life. I am not going to lie again, I have had my fair share of trials and I believe that I have had a lot more than most people. I remember a quote about how the choicest spirits in the premortal realm are tried the hardest in this life in a fallen state. For some reason, I believe that I am a choice spirit (people have told me this before including my current bishop). I know that I have fallen a great amount of times and I still continue to fall. What I don't get is why does God allow the choicest spirits to fall so far? I'm sometimes frustrated by this topic. Why have I done the things that I have done in my life? Why wasn't God there to stop me? Why isn't He there to stop me when I am going to make a huge mistake? I know that a lot of you will tell me that it is to grow and learn, but quite frankly, I've learned and grown a lot. People tell me that I am wise beyond my years. Most people mistake me for a 23 or 24 year old when I am only 20. It just doesn't fully make sense to me sometimes.

I wish there was a way that I could stop falling into the same temptations over and over again. I just want to be done and quit falling, quit suffering, and quit feeling the pain that comes from the Fall.

Trials

This week has been awful, but Wednesday is when it got the worst. I woke up Wednesday morning with bloody diarrhea. This is common in people with Crohn's Disease, but it had never been this bad before. I went to the doctor that day and he told me to cancel my trip to California to see some friends. He also told me to be very careful with what I do because I could be hospitalized at any moment. I told my friends that I could no longer go and there was disappointment all around and that saddened me, but I guess that's what happens.

The week kept getting worse. I found out that I had to be put on some new medications. These new medications are $5,000 per dose. I get them via injection every couple of weeks. The shots are very painful and are very similar to the gamaglobulin or "peanutbutter" shots. I'm not too excited for this, but I guess it is what I have to do. It's all part of my life.

All of these events has caused me to think about trials--their origin and purpose.

In a conversation with a friend, we talked about the different philosophies of the origin of trials. Some people believe that they come directly from God and that He gives us specific trials. Others believe that we are an imperfect world, in an imperfect body and that trials form based on this imperfectness. Then there are others that believe that Satan creates the trials and gives them to us. Finally, there is a mixture of theories. What we came up with is a mixture of the origin of trials. Some trials certain people are given because God knows that they have to experience certain events to help them grow and achieve their potential. This, however, is limited in my belief. I believe that we live in an imperfect world and in an imperfect body. Once we are born, all of that imperfectness is there. Our spirits are perfect, but our bodies and the world we live in aren't. From the influences of these imperfections, most of our trials are created and experienced. I do also believe that Satan does have the ability to tempt us or rather help dull our senses and put us in dangerous situations that can cause a trial to form.

The purpose of trials seems to be an easy topic for most people. They say that trials are there for growth. They are meant to stretch and pull you in ways that you aren't normally stretched and pulled. I agree with this, but I also believe that each trial has a deeper lesson--something that is supposed to be learned in this lifetime. I think that God wants us to learn certain things and he leaves us to our own devices and the world to learn these lessons. He only gives us certain trials when He knows that we will not learn on our own what he intended for us to learn here on earth.

How does this relate to my Crohn's Disease and my trials? I'm not sure yet, but I'm sure that I will eventually find out what I am supposed to learn from this trial.

Extraordinary

I have always wanted to be an extraordinary person. Ever since I was little, I would always crave to be the fastest, strongest, smartest, funniest, and whatever else I could be. My little body would always push the limits and achieve many great things. I would climb the biggest tree in the neighborhood, win the school geography bee, practice swimming everyday, and many other things so I could be an extraordinary person.

After growing up and becoming who I am today, I still crave and feel the need to be extraordinary. My childhood was littered with accomplishments and I still want to achieve all of my goals. Adult life, however, is different than childhood. There are more roadblocks. Trials also become harder. Life in general is filled with mundaneness. As I grow older, it becomes harder and harder to achieve my goals.

When I was little, I had the dream of being an Olympic swimmer. I didn't care if I made the podium or not. All that I wanted to be was a swimmer swimming for the USA. This dream was coupled with being a collegiate swimmer. This dream was crushed two years ago when I was cut from the BYU swim team. That was a difficult time for me. That was the first time that I didn't accomplish a goal that I had set for myself. I was crushed and entered a depression that I had never felt before. I had an amazing friend help me through that time, but that amazing friend also help me not achieve another dream from my childhood (I'll talk about this later). My friend pushed me to continue to swim and try out for the team next year. At first, it was really easy to continue my schedule of training and remembering my goals. This, however, didn't last. School, work, friends, and life got in the way. I soon gave up on my goal. I didn't achieve this goal and in a sense I feel like I have lost a part of my extraordinariness.

The thing is that I haven't lost any part of my extraordinariness. I have become extraordinary in a different way. I am now a swim coach and all of my swimmers love me. I was at a meet this past weekend and everybody told me that I did an amazing job at coaching and that they were grateful for me being there. That made me feel really good inside. It helped me feel that I was still extraordinary. That I was an influence on the lives of others to do good.

Another dream that was crushed happened this year. I wanted to serve a mission, but this dream was crushed because of things I had done with the friend mentioned above and partially due to Crohn's Disease. I have been struggling with this for awhile. I feel like I have let down myself and God causing me to lose my extraordinariness. This, however, is not true. I know that God has a different plan for me now and this involves serving a church service mission. I can be an extraordinary person when I do this. Just like how my path changed in swimming. I'll be able to befriend and hopefully influence many people that I am serving.

It seems like my hunt for extraordinariness leads me in my life that keeps living. It leads me to where I am supposed to be and where I am supposed to be extraordinary. I may not be extraordinary in the ways that I want to be, but I am extraordinary in the ways that I am supposed to be.