Past Couple of Years


These past couple of years, I have had life defining moments that have changed my life drastically. There has been at least a big one each year and those are what I want to talk about right now. As a side note before I get into my thoughts, I think it is interesting how much I have gone through these past couple of years. Most people can't even imagine what it is like and/or will never go through as much as I have in their lifetime. Now to my thoughts...

The year that I got out of high school, 2006, is the year that I finally came out to my best friend who ended up becoming my first boyfriend. That was a major defining moment in my life. It was time for me to start accepting myself for who I am and not hide it anymore. Throughout high school, I knew that I was gay. I had so many crushes on guys and never one on a girl. I never had fantasies about girls, just guys. I wanted to hook up with some of the cutest guys and date them, but I knew that it would never happen and I kept lying to myself and others about the whole situation. Coming out was a very liberating experience. I guess it also helped that my friend came out to me that very same night. I was the first one he ever came out to too. This then lead to a relationship that I will never forget and never regret. It taught me a lot. It taught me that I can have love in my life and that I'm not the only one in the Church that experiences SSA or who is gay.

Then the next year, late 2007/early 2008, I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. This changed my way of living. In late 2007, I started getting really sick and I lost a lot of weight (50 lbs), which was all muscle :(. I then started getting worse and I had extreme pain in my abdomen. I eventually went to the hospital and found out that I had Crohn's. My life has definitely not been the same since then. I have been learning to live with pain almost constantly for a year now. There are good and bad weeks, but it is still hard. Sometimes it is so bad that I feel like there a weight on me that will never lift up, but I know that it goes away eventually. This experience has taught me that I can still push myself through the hard times and do what I need to do. It has also taught me that I can be anything that I want to be, even though it might cause a lot of pain and hardship. Another thing that I have learned is that I can change my life to fit it to my situation. I think that is probably one of the most important things that I have learned.

Now it is late 2008 and I might be diagnosed with liver cancer. This is definitely going to be a defining moment in my life if I am diagnosed. I can't even imagine how drastically my life is going to change and how it is going to be affect. What does a 20 year old do if they have cancer? Who has ever heard of a 20 year old having cancer (I know that there are people out there who do get it this young, but nobody I have ever known)? Who would have ever thought that I could get cancer at 20? It's really kind of scary, but I know that I have been preparing for it these past couple of years with the defining moments in my life along with everything else I have been going through.

Finding Meaning


And I had to be alone because anyone who came near me invaded me. Only in the absence of people could I boil myself down to a clear broth and add things a little at a time. Occasionally I would venture out into the world with someone else as my escort, but it guaranteed nothing. Each random moment of interaction held danger.

-Julie Gregory, Sickened
I can relate with Julie. Sometimes you need to run away, leave the world, friends, and family behind, look deep within yourself to find out who you really are, and then build yourself back up from a clear broth becoming who you want to be without the influence of others.