He Didn't Answer

"I called Jesus but he didn't check his phone today..."
-"Miss California" by Jack's Mannequin

This seems to happen a lot to me. I feel like I never get answers and that I never receive the help that I need. It makes me feel like God isn't involved intricately in each of our lives like the Church has always taught me. I know that people will tell me that my prayers will be answered in God's own time.

This begs me to ask the question where was He during my middle school and high school years and whenever I need Him? For those of you who know my history better, you'll understand what I am talking about but for those who don't, I'll give you a brief little history. At the age of twelve, I was addicted to pornography. I discovered that I was gay, yet was in utter denial because I thought being gay in the Church doesn't happen. I hated myself. It seemed like my friends hated me too because a lot of my close friends ditched me once I entered middle school and then ditched me again and again in high school. Where was He then? I called, but he didn't answer his phone. He seemed to never answer his phone in the times that I needed him most. He still doesn't answer.

I do believe in God and Jesus, but are they really involved personally in my life? I'm having a hard time believing that and I guess I have always had trouble believing that since around the age of 12.

Again, "I called Jesus but he didn't check his phone today..."

Turning to God

I have noticed a trend that I have and I think a lot of people have it too. Whenever I have something big going on or something that is very important and life changing, I decide that it is time to turn to God and pray. One of the reasons I think that I do this is because I don't feel like God plays an integral role in my life and that I don't have anything big to pray for. I believe in him and I know that He has blessed and helped me who I am by making me the way I am. This, however, does not translate into playing an integral role in my life. Another reason is because I am so independent and have been so since a young age. My parents always taught me that one of the most important things I can learn is to learn to be independent (to be able to survive on my own, to not have to rely on people unless it was necessary, and to make your goals become reality by doing the work yourself). I think that this independence also plays a huge part in me not turning to God. The last reason is because God has let me down so many times now. My childhood was far less than perfect and my teenage years were hell. I hated my life. I hated who I was. I felt like I had nobody was there for me and even though I was praying and reading the scriptures, nothing I asked for ever happened. I was addicted to pornography since the age of twelve and I prayed to God to help me get rid of the addiction because I knew it wasn't healthy. I also prayed for him to send me some friends that would help me steer clear of this addiction. None of this, however, happened. I also prayed for some really good friends. This never happened either--most of them ditched me. I never prayed to not be gay but instead to be happy. This never came either. I was an wreck and very unhappy. I felt and still feel like God never answered or helped me when I truly needed it. This last reason is probably the biggest reason why I stopped praying, unless it was/is something big. God doesn't have his hand in my mundane, every day life.

The whole week before the MCAT, however, was probably the most spiritual I have been in a long time. I was praying daily, always asking for help to do well on the MCAT. I felt like doing well on the MCAT was something worthy of to pray to God for because it would help define the rest of my life and help me accomplish my life goals. I also asked friends and family to fast and pray for me because I wanted the support and love from them. I did the same thing during finals week, except not to the same degree. I would pray every now and then hoping that all of my studying would pay off and that God would bless me for my efforts. Those are the things that I feel like I need to pray for, not the mundane, boring things.

I am now back to my everyday life. I have stopped praying, except for yesterday because one of my best friends was taking an important test so I prayed and fasted for her. I don't feel bad about stopping my prays. Again, this is because I feel like I have no reason to pray. There is nothing big going on in my life at the moment. Why would I need to?

I'm not sure why I wrote this post, but I did. So there you have some of my thoughts over the past couple of days.