I have noticed a trend that I have and I think a lot of people have it too. Whenever I have something big going on or something that is very important and life changing, I decide that it is time to turn to God and pray. One of the reasons I think that I do this is because I don't feel like God plays an integral role in my life and that I don't have anything big to pray for. I believe in him and I know that He has blessed and helped me who I am by making me the way I am. This, however, does not translate into playing an integral role in my life. Another reason is because I am so independent and have been so since a young age. My parents always taught me that one of the most important things I can learn is to learn to be independent (to be able to survive on my own, to not have to rely on people unless it was necessary, and to make your goals become reality by doing the work yourself). I think that this independence also plays a huge part in me not turning to God. The last reason is because God has let me down so many times now. My childhood was far less than perfect and my teenage years were hell. I hated my life. I hated who I was. I felt like I had nobody was there for me and even though I was praying and reading the scriptures, nothing I asked for ever happened. I was addicted to pornography since the age of twelve and I prayed to God to help me get rid of the addiction because I knew it wasn't healthy. I also prayed for him to send me some friends that would help me steer clear of this addiction. None of this, however, happened. I also prayed for some really good friends. This never happened either--most of them ditched me. I never prayed to not be gay but instead to be happy. This never came either. I was an wreck and very unhappy. I felt and still feel like God never answered or helped me when I truly needed it. This last reason is probably the biggest reason why I stopped praying, unless it was/is something big. God doesn't have his hand in my mundane, every day life.
The whole week before the MCAT, however, was probably the most spiritual I have been in a long time. I was praying daily, always asking for help to do well on the MCAT. I felt like doing well on the MCAT was something worthy of to pray to God for because it would help define the rest of my life and help me accomplish my life goals. I also asked friends and family to fast and pray for me because I wanted the support and love from them. I did the same thing during finals week, except not to the same degree. I would pray every now and then hoping that all of my studying would pay off and that God would bless me for my efforts. Those are the things that I feel like I need to pray for, not the mundane, boring things.
I am now back to my everyday life. I have stopped praying, except for yesterday because one of my best friends was taking an important test so I prayed and fasted for her. I don't feel bad about stopping my prays. Again, this is because I feel like I have no reason to pray. There is nothing big going on in my life at the moment. Why would I need to?
I'm not sure why I wrote this post, but I did. So there you have some of my thoughts over the past couple of days.
About Me
- Sean
- I am Sean and this is who I am. There is nothing more I can say. I guess I could mention that I have Crohn's Disease and Spasmodic Torticollis, I fall in love with men, I am a swimmer, I am a member of the LDS Church, I am a state and national champion in many different things, I love music and let it define my life, I graduated from BYU with a BS in Biochemistry and a minor in Sociology as Magna Cum Laude, I love to cook, I researched at the NIH/NCI, and I working on receiving an MD/PhD at Mount Sinai School of Medicine. Yet, all of these definitions are small parts of my life. Sean is who I am really and that is how I define myself. I am Sean.
4 comments:
Sean, I can relate to what you are saying. It has often been/is my approach to prayer. I liken prayer to my communication with my kids. I like to hear from them all the time, to share their lives with them, not just hear from them when they need something. I know it's not quite the same, but it is somewhat similar.
My prayer is more of an acknowledgment of my love for him and his for me. I never "bless" the food. I think that is kind of ridiculous. I thank him for it, but figure it doesn't really need blessed, unless maybe I'm eating grasshoppers and then maybe I need blessed!
I seldom fall on my knees in earnest prayer except when the "big challenges" are right in front of me. But it is funny how those obstacles do get me to my knees more than not.
Often, my prayers are thoughts in my head, gratitude and gratefulness, love, concerns for others, etc. We can pray in many ways. Be grateful for the good in your life, for your challenges, for your independence, but also for your need to be humble.
So how did the MCAT go? Tough test, big step in life.
Joe, I mentioned how it went on my other blog (http://greenrocksmyworld.blogspot.com). I'm not sure if you read it though. I think it went well. I'm still waiting to hear back for the results. I have to wait another week or two because it takes about a month to get the scores back. I'll let everybody know how I did and what scores I got.
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