Gay and Mormon

I've had a couple of friends talk to me about being gay and Mormon. It seems like all of these discussions end up with the conclusion that it is easy being gay and Mormon until someone meets/crushes/falls in love with the right guy--this is when it starts to become hard.

Life in the Church is generally easy. I go to church for three hours, I pay tithing, I follow the Word of Wisdom, I watch General Conference, I listen to the council of leaders, and many other simple charges. I realize that some of these are hard for people, but for me they are relatively simple to follow. Then when it comes to falling in love with a man, that's a completely different story. That is when I seem to throw my beliefs out the window. I soon find myself wanting things that I know are against Church teachings and harmful to my spirituality. This sometimes leads to me falling and having to go through the repentance process. I guess that everybody goes through a similar process as this when hit with their weakness. My weakness is men, which seems to hold greater consequences than other weaknesses such as alcohol, food, and worldly goods. I can be excommunicated for these things while other people have only minor privileges taken away from them.

One of my friends also said that most people that are gay and Mormon only need the right guy to help them leave the Church. I believe this is true. If someone shows another true love and they take care of each other, it is easy to leave. It is much easier to have someone there physically rather than spiritually showing you love. That's what makes it hard to be gay and Mormon.

I Once Was...

I get the most random inspirations or thoughts about whatever in the most unlikely of times. This happened today. I finally went back to work today after all of my problems generally got under control and vacation time finally ended. It started out with swim practice this morning--nothing unusual there. Then I went to work at Poco Loco--again nothing unusual happened. Then I headed home, ate some lunch, took some pills, and headed off to coach a swim meet. Everything was going fine until some random thoughts popped into my head. I looked around and saw that nobody was really associating with me. I usually was a gathering point when I swam with these swimmers and I still am when I am coaching, but they were paying no attention to me and it made me look back at my life.

I was once an amazing swimmer. I am not going to lie. I generally try to hide this but I have competed on the national level and won some events. I am also a state champion and record holder. People looked up to me because of my hard work, dedication, example, and because I could swim really good. As I watched the swimmers interact and swim, I felt like a part of me had left. I used to be in amazing shape. Now, I'm not in good shape because I have a disease ravaging my body. I used to be faster than anyone on the team right now, but if I got in and swam against any of them, I would be lucky to beat them in a 25 or a 50. It makes me really sad. Why was I once a great swimmer and now why am I a fallen swimmer? I have no idea. All that I know is that it is depressing and it brought tears to my eyes today--it's a good thing that I had sunglasses on.

Then this caused me to think about life in general and the premortal life. I am not going to lie again, I have had my fair share of trials and I believe that I have had a lot more than most people. I remember a quote about how the choicest spirits in the premortal realm are tried the hardest in this life in a fallen state. For some reason, I believe that I am a choice spirit (people have told me this before including my current bishop). I know that I have fallen a great amount of times and I still continue to fall. What I don't get is why does God allow the choicest spirits to fall so far? I'm sometimes frustrated by this topic. Why have I done the things that I have done in my life? Why wasn't God there to stop me? Why isn't He there to stop me when I am going to make a huge mistake? I know that a lot of you will tell me that it is to grow and learn, but quite frankly, I've learned and grown a lot. People tell me that I am wise beyond my years. Most people mistake me for a 23 or 24 year old when I am only 20. It just doesn't fully make sense to me sometimes.

I wish there was a way that I could stop falling into the same temptations over and over again. I just want to be done and quit falling, quit suffering, and quit feeling the pain that comes from the Fall.