I Once Was...


I get the most random inspirations or thoughts about whatever in the most unlikely of times. This happened today. I finally went back to work today after all of my problems generally got under control and vacation time finally ended. It started out with swim practice this morning--nothing unusual there. Then I went to work at Poco Loco--again nothing unusual happened. Then I headed home, ate some lunch, took some pills, and headed off to coach a swim meet. Everything was going fine until some random thoughts popped into my head. I looked around and saw that nobody was really associating with me. I usually was a gathering point when I swam with these swimmers and I still am when I am coaching, but they were paying no attention to me and it made me look back at my life.

I was once an amazing swimmer. I am not going to lie. I generally try to hide this but I have competed on the national level and won some events. I am also a state champion and record holder. People looked up to me because of my hard work, dedication, example, and because I could swim really good. As I watched the swimmers interact and swim, I felt like a part of me had left. I used to be in amazing shape. Now, I'm not in good shape because I have a disease ravaging my body. I used to be faster than anyone on the team right now, but if I got in and swam against any of them, I would be lucky to beat them in a 25 or a 50. It makes me really sad. Why was I once a great swimmer and now why am I a fallen swimmer? I have no idea. All that I know is that it is depressing and it brought tears to my eyes today--it's a good thing that I had sunglasses on.

Then this caused me to think about life in general and the premortal life. I am not going to lie again, I have had my fair share of trials and I believe that I have had a lot more than most people. I remember a quote about how the choicest spirits in the premortal realm are tried the hardest in this life in a fallen state. For some reason, I believe that I am a choice spirit (people have told me this before including my current bishop). I know that I have fallen a great amount of times and I still continue to fall. What I don't get is why does God allow the choicest spirits to fall so far? I'm sometimes frustrated by this topic. Why have I done the things that I have done in my life? Why wasn't God there to stop me? Why isn't He there to stop me when I am going to make a huge mistake? I know that a lot of you will tell me that it is to grow and learn, but quite frankly, I've learned and grown a lot. People tell me that I am wise beyond my years. Most people mistake me for a 23 or 24 year old when I am only 20. It just doesn't fully make sense to me sometimes.

I wish there was a way that I could stop falling into the same temptations over and over again. I just want to be done and quit falling, quit suffering, and quit feeling the pain that comes from the Fall.