I think that my bishop wants me to get endowed soon and has started preparing me for that big leap. I know that he originally mentioned to me that when I go off to medical school that it would be a good idea to get endowed before I go. He hasn't brought the idea up for a very long time, but all of the sudden he has been meeting with me at least once a month, if not more, when we haven't done that in almost a year now. Another one of my suspicions is due to the fact that I was recently called be the librarian in the ward. I haven't had a calling in over two years now (I'm not even a home teacher--he told the elder's quorum president not to give me any families and partner) and then all of the sudden he whips a calling out to me. During the calling interview, I told him that I was scared that I was going to be a primary teacher due to the fact that I don't have a lot of time to prepare since I'm always studying. He then mentioned that calling might be on its way. I'm not sure if he was joking or if he is preparing me for teaching callings, then other bigger callings, and then receiving my endowments.

To quite honest, I'm completely scared to have my endowments taken out and I personally don't want to do it. There is still a lot of aspects of my life that I'm still unsure in--the Church being one of them. Am I willing to stay in the Church my whole life, even if that means not getting married, having children, and having a significant other? Am I going to eventually fall away and by making the endowment promises throw myself to the dogs of hell? Am I even sure that the Church is true? Along with a lot of other questions that will probably not go away anytime soon.

I'm only 21 years old! I am not old enough to make decisions of this great enormity and significance. Just like I'm not old enough to make the decision to marry. I'm still unsure about my route in life. Right now, I plan on staying in the Church because I don't want to be kicked out from BYU among other things. What happens after that though? How will my life change? I want to get out and experience life outside of Utah before I make my final decision on what I really want in life. Again, I'm only 21 and I still have a lot of living, growing, and learning to do.

It makes me wonder if the only reason why my bishop wants me to be endowed soon is to help keep me in the Church.