So it has been awhile and I have had time to live life a little and experience a lot. I said that I am going to examine myself by going deeper and find out the truth about me. I have found some truth and some beauty in my life in these past couple of weeks. Things have gotten exponentially better and it is because of finding things that I am passionate about.
In the book The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man's World, by Alan Downs (that was the book I mentioned in a previous post for those of you who were/are curious), it talks about how a lot of gay men lack a sense of passion for something that they truly love because they have been limiting or hiding their feelings or not feeling at all. It also talks about how they usually jump around from partner to partner, job to job, place to place, or whatever to whatever because they do not feel fulfilled in life--all because they lack something that they truly love and are passionate about. I have found that this was true for me.
When I was little and in high school, I had passion for swimming. It was my life. I absolutely loved it. It saved me from my demons inside of me and it helped me be free for four and a half hours everyday. Then when I reached college and got cut from the BYU swim team, that passion died away and my demons were no longer held at bay. They rose and I came out of the closet. I came out to one of my closest friends and he came out to me that same night. We ended up having a relationship and having sex. I loved my friend I came out to dearly and then he was ripped away from me, never to be seen or talked to again because we both decided to talk to our bishops about us. Ever since being cut and having him ripped away, I have noticed that I have lacked a strong passion in my life. There were moments when I have had strong passions for a guy that I loved or the church, but it seemed like they were never long lasting or as long lasting as swimming. The truth is that I have been bouncing around with my feelings. This includes guy to guy, my stance with the church, my stance on marriage, and many other things like these.
These past couple of weeks, I have not been really social like I am normally am. I have been staying at home, studying, working, reading, and many other things that do not involve others. I have found this to be very fulfilling and I have never been as content in my life as I am right now. I attribute this to the fact that I have found many things that I truly love and am passionate about. I have found that I absolutely love biochemistry or chemistry for that matter. I love studying it and learning about its complexities. I also love going to school and learning. It is so much fun to increase my knowledge. Research is another thing that I love. I love spending hours in my lab working with my HIV samples and figuring out the DNA sequences. I also love coaching. I love to watch my swimmers push themselves to achieve their goals and I love to help them achieve their goals. It feels so good to know that I am helping them. All of these things together have helped me find fulfillment. I feel so whole and content. I am also really happy. I am glad that I have found things that I am passionate about and I hope that I can continue to stay passionate about many things because it makes like so much better.