He Didn't Answer

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"I called Jesus but he didn't check his phone today..."
-"Miss California" by Jack's Mannequin

This seems to happen a lot to me. I feel like I never get answers and that I never receive the help that I need. It makes me feel like God isn't involved intricately in each of our lives like the Church has always taught me. I know that people will tell me that my prayers will be answered in God's own time.

This begs me to ask the question where was He during my middle school and high school years and whenever I need Him? For those of you who know my history better, you'll understand what I am talking about but for those who don't, I'll give you a brief little history. At the age of twelve, I was addicted to pornography. I discovered that I was gay, yet was in utter denial because I thought being gay in the Church doesn't happen. I hated myself. It seemed like my friends hated me too because a lot of my close friends ditched me once I entered middle school and then ditched me again and again in high school. Where was He then? I called, but he didn't answer his phone. He seemed to never answer his phone in the times that I needed him most. He still doesn't answer.

I do believe in God and Jesus, but are they really involved personally in my life? I'm having a hard time believing that and I guess I have always had trouble believing that since around the age of 12.

Again, "I called Jesus but he didn't check his phone today..."

4 comments:

Ezra said...

Yeah, I know the feeling... I think it's because God doesn't intervene in our lives. I don't think he can--he's resting... it's part of the deal--it's the only way we and everyone else can truly have our agency.

Bravone said...

I have often felt as you do. Ezra, I get the agency aspect, and at one point agreed exactly with you. Now I'm not sure.

I do believe that as Christians, we generally believe that the ultimate blessing comes in the next life, but sometimes He does intervene in this life. I just haven't figured out when and how He involves himself in our lives. I guess that is why He is God and I am not.

El Genio said...

This post is one of the reasons why I like the song You Found Me by The Fray. Kind of illustrates my feelings on the subject.

Shannon said...

I believe that we have to let God intervene in our life. He had never showed up in my life right in front of me. I have had to search for him in the little things. The smile from a stranger. The hand of a friend. The love of a mother, etc. Life is hard. And sometimes it just sucks. Like honestly, even to those of us whose trials aren't as great as others. Hang in there... and by the way... it took my husband FOREVER to get into med school. really forever!!! Keep your chin up... (By the way, I'm Neil's cousin... found you through his facebook... looks like you guys are having a blast in NY!!!)