Personal Statement... Please Vote!

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Here are two drafts of my personal statement for my application. Please vote on which one you like better. They are very similar, but they are structured differently. Thanks everyone! :)

Choice #1

I almost died at the age of ten. The first night of spring break I became very sick. My parents thought it was the flu because I had nausea and abdominal pain with a high fever. Later, I started throwing up and all my symptoms became worse so my parents took me to the hospital. After a series of tests, the doctors determined that I had appendicitis. The attending surgeon was already performing several other surgeries and did not have enough time to perform mine. The on-call surgeon refused to come in because he had to be to the airport early in the morning. The doctors could not find anyone to operate. The hospital called other hospitals to see if anyone would operate on me. In the meantime, my condition was worsening. Finally, a surgeon agreed to help, but he was in another hospital thirty minutes away. He was about to end his shift, but he agreed to wait for me. By the time we made it to the hospital, my appendix was close to bursting and the surgery had to be performed immediately. This surgeon was the first one to inspire me to become a doctor because he waited for me and saved my life. More importantly, he taught me to treat others how I wanted to be treated.

Recently, my old gastroenterologist did not treat me how I want to be treated and I suffered. A year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. I was terribly sick for about a year and was not showing any signs of getting better. My doctor performed test after test on me and thought my Crohn’s was in remission even though I was still in pain. After one of the tests, he told my parents that I was making everything up. After that accusation, we changed doctors. The new doctor performed the same tests and found similar results as the previous doctor, but he still believed me. He promised me that he would continue working with me until I started feeling better. He eventually discovered that my current medications were not having their full effect. He then prescribed new medications and I have progressively gotten better. Now, I am feeling much healthier and I am almost back to my normal self. As I have dealt with this new doctor, I have been further inspired to become a doctor because he treats me how I want to be treated.

When I am sick, I want to be treated with the best treatments, the best care, and therefore the best doctors. This means that I will try to become the best doctor that I can be and go the extra mile so that I can give my patients the best care. To me, the best doctor is one who is nice, willing to listen, and concerned for his patients. He is willing to spend time with his patients and help them in any way possible. This type of doctor would also be willing to do research and work until the problems with the patient are solved. He also will not give up or claim that the patient is wrong if he cannot discover the answer. Most importantly, the best doctor has a love for others and wants them to live better, healthier lives. This is the type of doctor that I want to be treated by and this is the type of doctor that I will strive to become.

All throughout my life, I have tried to treat others the best that I can. This is evident in my dealings with people of all ages. When I am working with my younger swimmers on the Utah Valley Aquatics team, I give those children the attention they need to become the best swimmers that they can possibly be. I work with them and I want them to succeed. This attitude is carried over when I am volunteering for Timpview High School swim team. I want to help the students achieve their goals and dreams. There are times when I get up at 4:30 AM to meet with them and give them one-on-one instruction. Also, I am able to help them in personal aspects of their lives. They know that I am there to help them. I give the same treatment when I am helping customers in Poco Loco Swim Shop. As manager and store clerk, my job is to try to make the customer satisfied so that they will return in the future, and this is done by helping them. Then when they return to the store, the customer knows that I am there to assist them. Finally, volunteering at the retirement home, I spend hours listening to the elderly. I hear their life stories and see the happiness on their faces when I show interest in their lives. Besides talking with them, I also make crafts with them and I have the pleasure of seeing the joy on their faces in performing a simple activity with them. I go the extra mile to treat others in a good way because this is how I want to be treated. As a doctor, I will carry this exact same attitude in my practice.

We need more doctors go the extra mile and treat others with the best care, which is why I want to become a doctor. I have personally felt the effect of two doctors who have gone the extra mile to help me and treat me. From their care and examples, I have been emulating them and treating others how I want to be treated. I have seen profound effects from doing this. I know that I can help many people by becoming the best doctor and treating people with the best care.

Choice #2

When I am sick, I want to be treated with the best treatments, the best care, and therefore the best doctors. This means that I will try to become the best doctor that I can be and go the extra mile so that I can give my patients the best care. To me, the best doctor is one who is nice, willing to listen, and concerned for his patients. He is willing to spend time with his patients and help them in any way possible. This type of doctor would also be willing to do research and work until the problems with the patient are solved. He also will not give up or claim that the patient is wrong if he cannot discover the answer. Most importantly, the best doctor has a love for others and wants them to live better, healthier lives. This is the type of doctor that I want to be treated by and this is the type of doctor that I will strive to become.

Treating others how I wanted to be treated has been a big part of my life since my first interaction with an ER surgeon. I almost died at the age of ten. The first night of spring break I became very sick. My parents thought it was the flu because I had nausea and abdominal pain with a high fever. Later, I started throwing up and all my symptoms became worse so my parents took me to the hospital. After a series of tests, the doctors determined that I had appendicitis. The attending surgeon was already performing several other surgeries and did not have enough time to perform mine. The on-call surgeon refused to come in because he had to be to the airport early in the morning. The doctors could not find anyone to operate. The hospital called other hospitals to see if anyone would operate on me. In the meantime, my condition was worsening. Finally, a surgeon agreed to help, but he was in another hospital thirty minutes away. He was about to end his shift, but he agreed to wait for me. By the time we made it to the hospital, my appendix was close to bursting and the surgery had to be performed immediately. This surgeon was the first one to inspire me to become a doctor because he waited for me and saved my life. More importantly, he taught me to treat others how I wanted to be treated.

Recently, my old gastroenterologist did not treat me how I want to be treated and I suffered. A year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. I was terribly sick for about a year and was not showing any signs of getting better. My doctor performed test after test on me and thought my Crohn’s was in remission even though I was still in pain. After one of the tests, he told my parents that I was making everything up. After that accusation, we changed doctors. The new doctor performed the same tests and found similar results as the previous doctor, but he still believed me. He promised me that he would continue working with me until I started feeling better. He eventually discovered that my current medications were not having their full effect. He then prescribed new medications and I have progressively gotten better. Now, I am feeling much healthier and I am almost back to my normal self. As I have dealt with this new doctor, I have been further inspired to become a doctor because he treats me how I want to be treated.

All throughout my life, I have tried to treat others the best that I can. This is evident in my dealings with people of all ages. When I am working with my younger swimmers on the Utah Valley Aquatics team, I give those children the attention they need to become the best swimmers that they can possibly be. I work with them and I want them to succeed. This attitude is carried over when I am volunteering for Timpview High School swim team. I want to help the students achieve their goals and dreams. There are times when I get up at 4:30 AM to meet with them and give them one-on-one instruction. I am also able to help them in personal aspects of their life. They know that I am there to aid them. I give the same treatment when I am helping customers in Poco Loco Swim Shop. As manager and store clerk, my job is to try to make the customer satisfied so that they will return in the future, and this is done by helping them. Then when they return to the store, the customer knows that I am there to assist them. Finally, volunteering at the retirement home, I spend hours listening to the elderly. I hear their life stories and see the happiness on their faces when I show interest in their lives. Besides talking with them, I also make crafts with them and I have the pleasure of seeing the joy on their faces in performing a simple activity with them. I go the extra mile to treat others in a good way because this is how I want to be treated. As a doctor, I will carry this exact same attitude in my practice.

We need more doctors go the extra mile and treat others with the best care, which is why I want to become a doctor. I have personally felt the effect of two doctors who have gone the extra mile to help me and treat me. From their care and examples, I have been emulating them and treating others how I want to be treated. I have seen profound effects from doing this. I know that I can help many people by becoming the best doctor and treating people with the best care.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like number one just because it has a better hook. That probably doesn't help a ton. But there's my two cents.

nerdydoctor said...
This comment has been removed by the author.