On My Own


I always try to do things by myself. I don't like help from others because I think and sometimes know that I am plenty capable of doing things on my own. When I rely on others, I feel weak and I don't like to feel that way. I want to have power and control over the situation.

My bishop told me last Sunday that my main problem is always wanting to do things on my own and not rely on others, especially the Lord. He told me that with SSA I probably need to learn to rely on the Lord more than most people do because my life is hell and is really hard. The reason why we started talking about this is because I messed up big time and was and still am having a pretty hard time with life right now. I am sick of it--I just want to be done! It would be really nice to have a nice simple life without any problems, but this does not happen at all. My life is supposed to be this way. My bishop feels like I tend to forget the Lord and just push through life on my own. When I am righteous, I have the Spirit, but I don't listen to it. I don't need the Spirit's help or that's what I think. I think that I am strong enough to handle the situations I put myself in and when I know that I am not strong enough, I put myself into that situation anyways just to prove people and God wrong. This, however, doesn't usually happen. I usually fall and mess up.

The sad part is that all of this is true. I am not humble at all. I am a proud bastard! I don't like others helping me and I would much rather do it on my own. I am independent and proud when I do things on my own. When I accomplish something, I did it all by myself, not with the Lord's help. It's all about me having power and control over my life.

How do I get rid of this pride? How do I start relying on the Lord and others? I know that I need to start relying on the Lord more since I plan on staying in the Church, but I don't know how to do it. Does anyone have some advice for me? (Hey! It's my first step by asking others for advice...)


John said...

Hi. I think I know what you're talking about. For me too it's hard to admit I'm weak, lacking, "needing help"; but sometimes I guess I go to the other extreme and think I'm hopeless, defective, doomed...

It sounds like you're getting ready to make a significant change in yourself. You've identified the area of change, admitted the problem. I think God will take care of the rest, and will bring you all kinds of learning experiences to your life (well, He already has, it sounds like), and one day in 2 or 5 or 10 years you'll realize that you've gotten what you asked for.

I hope so. Take care

Kengo Biddles said...

I think that making changes and letting people help you would be a start. It's not easy, but I guess if someone offers something small, let them...it always helps to start small, right? Baby steps, or something like that.