Religion seems to be something that people make up. It is their beliefs of the world and the purpose of life. I am in a stage of discovery of what I believe. As I have experienced more life, I have felt the need to explore the spiritual aspects of my life outside of what the Church teaches. Note: this does not me I have lost my morals or am becoming morally wrong. I am in a process of self discovery and finding meaning.
In sociology, they call the period of life that I am in emerging adulthood. This era of life is a phenomena that has started to occur mainly in the US and among other first world countries. It is a period of self-discovery. Emerging adults typically do not feel ready for adulthood, yet they aren't adolescents. They are also looking for an escape from the controls their parents place/placed upon them.
Now that I'm out of my house and away from BYU, I have been able to explore my life more in depth and discover new beliefs if you will or beliefs that I didn't recognize before. I still believe in God. I don't think that God plays as big a role in our daily lives as the LDS Church plays it to be (God's hand is in everything). There are moments when I know that He has helped me or provided an opportunity, but I believe He lets me make my own decisions and live my own life. He helps me only when I need it. Here are some examples of why I believe the way I do.
My senior year at BYU I was applying to medical school. Something about it didn't feel entirely right, but parts of it felt right. After getting sick during the application season and only going to a few interviews, I realized my true passion was medical research. I wanted to be an MD/PhD. If God really plays a role in our everyday lives, I feel he would have told me to apply to MD/PhD programs before I started applying to medical schools because I spent over $5,000 just to realize that I wanted to be a medical scientist. That just doesn't entirely make sense to me if he didn't allow me to live my own life and not intervene. He wanted me to make my decisions and go with what felt right. At the time, MD felt as right as I wanted it to feel, but as I stated, it wasn't right for me. I don't think it will ever be right for me. Some will argue that God's hand was in this and wanted me to experience the pain of heart break, wasting money, struggling with decisions, etc. I don't think he wanted me to experience that at all. I've experienced it one too many times in the past and I didn't need a reminder.
Then when I started looking for jobs, I don't think God had a hand in it. I found some programs that I wanted to apply to and I applied. Of course it took a while to get a job interview, but was it really God who gave me this job or was it my hard work and dedication? I believe it was the latter. I killed myself in school and research to get where I am today. Did God put me here? No... He did not push me through school and research. I did that myself. It was my own free will. I could have chosen to party like my classmates and friends, but I chose to do what I wanted to do. I worked hard to get where I am today.
I will admit that God has helped me in difficult situations though. He may have provide the opportunity for me to receive the job I have, but at the same time I know I worked hard for it. I was desperate when the interview came and it has been good for me to move out to Maryland. So He might have had a role in that. I know that God has also saved my life on numerous occasions. I almost drown when I was little. He gave me the strength to reach the surface when I was blacking out. I've almost been killed in car accidents too, but I felt something tell me to slow down or not to go. Seconds later a car comes flying by and would have hit me if I was there.
Yes, I do believe in God and I do believe He helps me in certain situations. However, I do not believe He helps me in all situations. I do most of the work myself and He lets me make my own decisions. He only corrects me or provides opportunities when I might die when it's not my time or when I need to chance to make my life better.
Gratitude
I said that I was going to write on this blog to describe some of the things I discovered while I was applying to medical school. Well, I'm finally getting around to doing it.
One aspect of my life that I discovered was my extreme gratitude for my experiences in life and my opportunity to be gay. I know that some people see being gay as a curse, but I see it has a blessing. I have experienced being a minority; I have experienced the emotional pain that comes with inner turmoil; I have learned that there is more to life than society's definitions of what is right and what is wrong; I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin; I have learned to take off the mask of masculinity; I have learned what true love is; and most importantly, I have gained more sympathy and empathy for those who are lost, in pain, or confused. This lessons I have learned have taught me what it truly means to be a doctor. A doctor is someone who cares about their patient, but it isn't only in the setting of the office. A true doctor or healer tries to rid the person of all of the pain, hurt, confusion, stress, and uncertainty that comes from having an illness. I know that I can do this. I can be that kind of doctor because I learned all of the lessons I mentioned above. Being gay is not a curse. Being gay helped me become who I am today and I am extremely grateful for the experiences God has allowed me to have.
If there is anything that my faithful readers would like to hear me talk about, such as one of the lessons I learned, I would be more than happy to use that as my next post. Let me know what you would like to hear from me.
One aspect of my life that I discovered was my extreme gratitude for my experiences in life and my opportunity to be gay. I know that some people see being gay as a curse, but I see it has a blessing. I have experienced being a minority; I have experienced the emotional pain that comes with inner turmoil; I have learned that there is more to life than society's definitions of what is right and what is wrong; I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin; I have learned to take off the mask of masculinity; I have learned what true love is; and most importantly, I have gained more sympathy and empathy for those who are lost, in pain, or confused. This lessons I have learned have taught me what it truly means to be a doctor. A doctor is someone who cares about their patient, but it isn't only in the setting of the office. A true doctor or healer tries to rid the person of all of the pain, hurt, confusion, stress, and uncertainty that comes from having an illness. I know that I can do this. I can be that kind of doctor because I learned all of the lessons I mentioned above. Being gay is not a curse. Being gay helped me become who I am today and I am extremely grateful for the experiences God has allowed me to have.
If there is anything that my faithful readers would like to hear me talk about, such as one of the lessons I learned, I would be more than happy to use that as my next post. Let me know what you would like to hear from me.
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