I'm drowning right now. I don't know what to do. I'm glad school is almost back in session because I think that will help me out. I think I need to take a break so I can start to tread water again and begin to swim again.
Drowning
I'm drowning right now. I don't know what to do. I'm glad school is almost back in session because I think that will help me out. I think I need to take a break so I can start to tread water again and begin to swim again.
People Pleaser
Hello, my name is Sean and I am a people pleaser. If you haven't met me, you'll have to believe me. It is something that I do. I love seeing people happy and knowing that I played a part in making them happy. I can sometimes really careless about myself in order to make someone else happy, except if the situation is making me look bad. The problem with being a people pleaser is that in order to make everyone happy, I sometimes lie, tell half truths, hide things from that person, and do things that I really don't want to do. I also have the problem of saying no to people. This causes a lot of problems and it can lead to hurt feelings, loss of friendships, and many other detrimental effects. I need to find a happy medium of being a people pleaser. I need to learn that I cannot please everyone and I cannot always make myself look good and not bad (I'm imperfect too, even though I don't like to admit this to others).
Christ-like People
Christ,
Christ-like,
Love
|
On Wednesday, I had an interesting conversation with a customer that I have been good friends with for a very long time and it almost ended with me coming out to him. This conversation was one of the most spiritual conversations that I've had in awhile and I thought I would share parts of it with you and my thoughts. Darren, the customer, is almost 50 years old. He was once a member of the Church, but decided to leave (I'll tell you the reason why later in my post). He is also very liberal and loves to cause controversy here in Happy Valley by making certain comments that outs him as a liberal in a very conservative zone.
Our conversation started off by him asking me what my plans were for the future. I told him that I am possibly joining a research team this fall studying HIV, that in a couple of years I wanted to be in medical school, and other things like that--just my typical future goals and what not. He then asked me if I wanted to go to U of U for medical school and I told him, "Hell no!" He was kind of surprised by that answer and I was kind of surprised that I swore in front of him. He then asked why and I told him that I wanted to get out and experience life outside of Utah (save me from the bubble). We then discussed how most people in the Church are very conservative. He then asked me my beliefs. I told him that I support gay marriage, abortion, stem cell research, and many other controversial topics. He was kind of surprised by my response.
He then decided to tell me his story of why he left the Church. He left the Church because he felt like the people in it were too hypocritical and judgmental. He also said, "People in the Church make themselves look like they are welcoming and accepting, when in realty, they are rarely that way." According to Darren, members do not take what they say to heart. I would have to agree with this and I know that I am guilty of this sometimes--the whole world is.
Who are we to judge another person? We are nobody and we do not have the right to judge another person--only Christ has the right. Sure we can judge a situation as being good or bad, but we should never judge a person that way. They may differ from our beliefs, but they might be some of the nicest people around. Would Christ shun someone because he is gay and supports gay marriage, stem cell research, and abortion? No, he wouldn't (well, I believe he doesn't cause that's me). Would Christ shun a conservative, old woman, who likes to drink coffee and tea? No! He loves all of us and judges us by our situation and life events. We should not judge others. We should be Christ-like people and love one another. We should be accepting of everyone and show them that we love them. We should also give them the same basic rights because it is the right thing to do.
This sounds corny but think, "What would Jesus do?" You know he would be loving and accepting of everyone despite the choices that they are making. Another corny statement... Love the sinner and hate the sin. Show everyone Christ-like love and become more like Christ.
Our conversation started off by him asking me what my plans were for the future. I told him that I am possibly joining a research team this fall studying HIV, that in a couple of years I wanted to be in medical school, and other things like that--just my typical future goals and what not. He then asked me if I wanted to go to U of U for medical school and I told him, "Hell no!" He was kind of surprised by that answer and I was kind of surprised that I swore in front of him. He then asked why and I told him that I wanted to get out and experience life outside of Utah (save me from the bubble). We then discussed how most people in the Church are very conservative. He then asked me my beliefs. I told him that I support gay marriage, abortion, stem cell research, and many other controversial topics. He was kind of surprised by my response.
He then decided to tell me his story of why he left the Church. He left the Church because he felt like the people in it were too hypocritical and judgmental. He also said, "People in the Church make themselves look like they are welcoming and accepting, when in realty, they are rarely that way." According to Darren, members do not take what they say to heart. I would have to agree with this and I know that I am guilty of this sometimes--the whole world is.
Who are we to judge another person? We are nobody and we do not have the right to judge another person--only Christ has the right. Sure we can judge a situation as being good or bad, but we should never judge a person that way. They may differ from our beliefs, but they might be some of the nicest people around. Would Christ shun someone because he is gay and supports gay marriage, stem cell research, and abortion? No, he wouldn't (well, I believe he doesn't cause that's me). Would Christ shun a conservative, old woman, who likes to drink coffee and tea? No! He loves all of us and judges us by our situation and life events. We should not judge others. We should be Christ-like people and love one another. We should be accepting of everyone and show them that we love them. We should also give them the same basic rights because it is the right thing to do.
This sounds corny but think, "What would Jesus do?" You know he would be loving and accepting of everyone despite the choices that they are making. Another corny statement... Love the sinner and hate the sin. Show everyone Christ-like love and become more like Christ.
On My Own
I always try to do things by myself. I don't like help from others because I think and sometimes know that I am plenty capable of doing things on my own. When I rely on others, I feel weak and I don't like to feel that way. I want to have power and control over the situation.
My bishop told me last Sunday that my main problem is always wanting to do things on my own and not rely on others, especially the Lord. He told me that with SSA I probably need to learn to rely on the Lord more than most people do because my life is hell and is really hard. The reason why we started talking about this is because I messed up big time and was and still am having a pretty hard time with life right now. I am sick of it--I just want to be done! It would be really nice to have a nice simple life without any problems, but this does not happen at all. My life is supposed to be this way. My bishop feels like I tend to forget the Lord and just push through life on my own. When I am righteous, I have the Spirit, but I don't listen to it. I don't need the Spirit's help or that's what I think. I think that I am strong enough to handle the situations I put myself in and when I know that I am not strong enough, I put myself into that situation anyways just to prove people and God wrong. This, however, doesn't usually happen. I usually fall and mess up.
The sad part is that all of this is true. I am not humble at all. I am a proud bastard! I don't like others helping me and I would much rather do it on my own. I am independent and proud when I do things on my own. When I accomplish something, I did it all by myself, not with the Lord's help. It's all about me having power and control over my life.
How do I get rid of this pride? How do I start relying on the Lord and others? I know that I need to start relying on the Lord more since I plan on staying in the Church, but I don't know how to do it. Does anyone have some advice for me? (Hey! It's my first step by asking others for advice...)
My bishop told me last Sunday that my main problem is always wanting to do things on my own and not rely on others, especially the Lord. He told me that with SSA I probably need to learn to rely on the Lord more than most people do because my life is hell and is really hard. The reason why we started talking about this is because I messed up big time and was and still am having a pretty hard time with life right now. I am sick of it--I just want to be done! It would be really nice to have a nice simple life without any problems, but this does not happen at all. My life is supposed to be this way. My bishop feels like I tend to forget the Lord and just push through life on my own. When I am righteous, I have the Spirit, but I don't listen to it. I don't need the Spirit's help or that's what I think. I think that I am strong enough to handle the situations I put myself in and when I know that I am not strong enough, I put myself into that situation anyways just to prove people and God wrong. This, however, doesn't usually happen. I usually fall and mess up.
The sad part is that all of this is true. I am not humble at all. I am a proud bastard! I don't like others helping me and I would much rather do it on my own. I am independent and proud when I do things on my own. When I accomplish something, I did it all by myself, not with the Lord's help. It's all about me having power and control over my life.
How do I get rid of this pride? How do I start relying on the Lord and others? I know that I need to start relying on the Lord more since I plan on staying in the Church, but I don't know how to do it. Does anyone have some advice for me? (Hey! It's my first step by asking others for advice...)
Goals
Goals have always been a very important part in my life. Ever since the age of twelve, I had goals. They ranged from spiritual, physical, schooling, dating, swimming, friends, and whatever else I felt like I needed to improve on. Right now, I have a lot of goals--take the MCAT in a year, finish my medical school prerequisites, go on two dates each month, continue to get straight "A's," etc. If you didn't notice, one important aspect of my goals are missing--the spiritual goals. I don't really have any spiritual goals right now. The main reason for this is because I am not sure which goals to have.
As you can see from my other blog, I am not ready for marriage so that isn't one of my goals right now and I'm not preparing for it. I have kind of lost my spiritual goals when I was denied from going on a mission. A year ago, I had plenty of spiritual goals because I was preparing for marriage. They ranged from bearing my testimony in church, participating in the discussions in Sunday school and Elder's Quorum, reading my scriptures daily, praying morning and night, and going on a mission. The truth is that I did pretty well on some of these goals, but with others I flopped on. That was ok with me just as long as I was trying to achieve them. I did those things and I felt prepared to go on a mission, but due to my many mistakes the First Presidency didn't feel like I should go. I was fine with this and I understand why they felt this way.
I am still fine with their decision, but the consequences of their decisions have been hitting me hard. My life has changed drastically and I have to find new goals to work on. What spiritual goals does a twenty year old have besides getting married in the temple? I have no idea! That's where I'm stuck. I'm not sure to do. I go to church, participate, and I have put service mission papers in. I try to read my scriptures and I try to pray. What else am I supposed to do? I feel like I should be doing more, but I don't know what to do. I was hoping that putting my service mission papers in and getting called to a service mission would help me out, but it hasn't. I am still waiting to be called and still missing goals. I guess I just have to keep living life and maybe I'll find some goals. I still think that the service mission will help me find some because it gives me a calling and a purpose in the Church.
As you can see from my other blog, I am not ready for marriage so that isn't one of my goals right now and I'm not preparing for it. I have kind of lost my spiritual goals when I was denied from going on a mission. A year ago, I had plenty of spiritual goals because I was preparing for marriage. They ranged from bearing my testimony in church, participating in the discussions in Sunday school and Elder's Quorum, reading my scriptures daily, praying morning and night, and going on a mission. The truth is that I did pretty well on some of these goals, but with others I flopped on. That was ok with me just as long as I was trying to achieve them. I did those things and I felt prepared to go on a mission, but due to my many mistakes the First Presidency didn't feel like I should go. I was fine with this and I understand why they felt this way.
I am still fine with their decision, but the consequences of their decisions have been hitting me hard. My life has changed drastically and I have to find new goals to work on. What spiritual goals does a twenty year old have besides getting married in the temple? I have no idea! That's where I'm stuck. I'm not sure to do. I go to church, participate, and I have put service mission papers in. I try to read my scriptures and I try to pray. What else am I supposed to do? I feel like I should be doing more, but I don't know what to do. I was hoping that putting my service mission papers in and getting called to a service mission would help me out, but it hasn't. I am still waiting to be called and still missing goals. I guess I just have to keep living life and maybe I'll find some goals. I still think that the service mission will help me find some because it gives me a calling and a purpose in the Church.
Gay and Mormon
Gay,
Mormon,
Temptations
|
I've had a couple of friends talk to me about being gay and Mormon. It seems like all of these discussions end up with the conclusion that it is easy being gay and Mormon until someone meets/crushes/falls in love with the right guy--this is when it starts to become hard.
Life in the Church is generally easy. I go to church for three hours, I pay tithing, I follow the Word of Wisdom, I watch General Conference, I listen to the council of leaders, and many other simple charges. I realize that some of these are hard for people, but for me they are relatively simple to follow. Then when it comes to falling in love with a man, that's a completely different story. That is when I seem to throw my beliefs out the window. I soon find myself wanting things that I know are against Church teachings and harmful to my spirituality. This sometimes leads to me falling and having to go through the repentance process. I guess that everybody goes through a similar process as this when hit with their weakness. My weakness is men, which seems to hold greater consequences than other weaknesses such as alcohol, food, and worldly goods. I can be excommunicated for these things while other people have only minor privileges taken away from them.
One of my friends also said that most people that are gay and Mormon only need the right guy to help them leave the Church. I believe this is true. If someone shows another true love and they take care of each other, it is easy to leave. It is much easier to have someone there physically rather than spiritually showing you love. That's what makes it hard to be gay and Mormon.
Life in the Church is generally easy. I go to church for three hours, I pay tithing, I follow the Word of Wisdom, I watch General Conference, I listen to the council of leaders, and many other simple charges. I realize that some of these are hard for people, but for me they are relatively simple to follow. Then when it comes to falling in love with a man, that's a completely different story. That is when I seem to throw my beliefs out the window. I soon find myself wanting things that I know are against Church teachings and harmful to my spirituality. This sometimes leads to me falling and having to go through the repentance process. I guess that everybody goes through a similar process as this when hit with their weakness. My weakness is men, which seems to hold greater consequences than other weaknesses such as alcohol, food, and worldly goods. I can be excommunicated for these things while other people have only minor privileges taken away from them.
One of my friends also said that most people that are gay and Mormon only need the right guy to help them leave the Church. I believe this is true. If someone shows another true love and they take care of each other, it is easy to leave. It is much easier to have someone there physically rather than spiritually showing you love. That's what makes it hard to be gay and Mormon.
I Once Was...
Fallen,
Life,
Temptations
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I get the most random inspirations or thoughts about whatever in the most unlikely of times. This happened today. I finally went back to work today after all of my problems generally got under control and vacation time finally ended. It started out with swim practice this morning--nothing unusual there. Then I went to work at Poco Loco--again nothing unusual happened. Then I headed home, ate some lunch, took some pills, and headed off to coach a swim meet. Everything was going fine until some random thoughts popped into my head. I looked around and saw that nobody was really associating with me. I usually was a gathering point when I swam with these swimmers and I still am when I am coaching, but they were paying no attention to me and it made me look back at my life.
I was once an amazing swimmer. I am not going to lie. I generally try to hide this but I have competed on the national level and won some events. I am also a state champion and record holder. People looked up to me because of my hard work, dedication, example, and because I could swim really good. As I watched the swimmers interact and swim, I felt like a part of me had left. I used to be in amazing shape. Now, I'm not in good shape because I have a disease ravaging my body. I used to be faster than anyone on the team right now, but if I got in and swam against any of them, I would be lucky to beat them in a 25 or a 50. It makes me really sad. Why was I once a great swimmer and now why am I a fallen swimmer? I have no idea. All that I know is that it is depressing and it brought tears to my eyes today--it's a good thing that I had sunglasses on.
Then this caused me to think about life in general and the premortal life. I am not going to lie again, I have had my fair share of trials and I believe that I have had a lot more than most people. I remember a quote about how the choicest spirits in the premortal realm are tried the hardest in this life in a fallen state. For some reason, I believe that I am a choice spirit (people have told me this before including my current bishop). I know that I have fallen a great amount of times and I still continue to fall. What I don't get is why does God allow the choicest spirits to fall so far? I'm sometimes frustrated by this topic. Why have I done the things that I have done in my life? Why wasn't God there to stop me? Why isn't He there to stop me when I am going to make a huge mistake? I know that a lot of you will tell me that it is to grow and learn, but quite frankly, I've learned and grown a lot. People tell me that I am wise beyond my years. Most people mistake me for a 23 or 24 year old when I am only 20. It just doesn't fully make sense to me sometimes.
I wish there was a way that I could stop falling into the same temptations over and over again. I just want to be done and quit falling, quit suffering, and quit feeling the pain that comes from the Fall.
I was once an amazing swimmer. I am not going to lie. I generally try to hide this but I have competed on the national level and won some events. I am also a state champion and record holder. People looked up to me because of my hard work, dedication, example, and because I could swim really good. As I watched the swimmers interact and swim, I felt like a part of me had left. I used to be in amazing shape. Now, I'm not in good shape because I have a disease ravaging my body. I used to be faster than anyone on the team right now, but if I got in and swam against any of them, I would be lucky to beat them in a 25 or a 50. It makes me really sad. Why was I once a great swimmer and now why am I a fallen swimmer? I have no idea. All that I know is that it is depressing and it brought tears to my eyes today--it's a good thing that I had sunglasses on.
Then this caused me to think about life in general and the premortal life. I am not going to lie again, I have had my fair share of trials and I believe that I have had a lot more than most people. I remember a quote about how the choicest spirits in the premortal realm are tried the hardest in this life in a fallen state. For some reason, I believe that I am a choice spirit (people have told me this before including my current bishop). I know that I have fallen a great amount of times and I still continue to fall. What I don't get is why does God allow the choicest spirits to fall so far? I'm sometimes frustrated by this topic. Why have I done the things that I have done in my life? Why wasn't God there to stop me? Why isn't He there to stop me when I am going to make a huge mistake? I know that a lot of you will tell me that it is to grow and learn, but quite frankly, I've learned and grown a lot. People tell me that I am wise beyond my years. Most people mistake me for a 23 or 24 year old when I am only 20. It just doesn't fully make sense to me sometimes.
I wish there was a way that I could stop falling into the same temptations over and over again. I just want to be done and quit falling, quit suffering, and quit feeling the pain that comes from the Fall.
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