Endowments

I think that my bishop wants me to get endowed soon and has started preparing me for that big leap. I know that he originally mentioned to me that when I go off to medical school that it would be a good idea to get endowed before I go. He hasn't brought the idea up for a very long time, but all of the sudden he has been meeting with me at least once a month, if not more, when we haven't done that in almost a year now. Another one of my suspicions is due to the fact that I was recently called be the librarian in the ward. I haven't had a calling in over two years now (I'm not even a home teacher--he told the elder's quorum president not to give me any families and partner) and then all of the sudden he whips a calling out to me. During the calling interview, I told him that I was scared that I was going to be a primary teacher due to the fact that I don't have a lot of time to prepare since I'm always studying. He then mentioned that calling might be on its way. I'm not sure if he was joking or if he is preparing me for teaching callings, then other bigger callings, and then receiving my endowments.

To quite honest, I'm completely scared to have my endowments taken out and I personally don't want to do it. There is still a lot of aspects of my life that I'm still unsure in--the Church being one of them. Am I willing to stay in the Church my whole life, even if that means not getting married, having children, and having a significant other? Am I going to eventually fall away and by making the endowment promises throw myself to the dogs of hell? Am I even sure that the Church is true? Along with a lot of other questions that will probably not go away anytime soon.

I'm only 21 years old! I am not old enough to make decisions of this great enormity and significance. Just like I'm not old enough to make the decision to marry. I'm still unsure about my route in life. Right now, I plan on staying in the Church because I don't want to be kicked out from BYU among other things. What happens after that though? How will my life change? I want to get out and experience life outside of Utah before I make my final decision on what I really want in life. Again, I'm only 21 and I still have a lot of living, growing, and learning to do.

It makes me wonder if the only reason why my bishop wants me to be endowed soon is to help keep me in the Church.

Soul Food

Souls too, like rivulets and plants, need a different kind of rain: hope, faith, a reason to live. When this did not come to pass, everything in that soul died, even if the body went on living; and people could say: "Here in this body there was once a man."

-The Fifth Mountain by Paulo Coelho

Hope, faith, and a reason to live are food for the soul. Can a man truly live without all of these or with only one or two? I believe that he cannot.

HOPE is change. A man can hope for a better life, a better future, a partner to spend the rest of his life with, a good job, friends, a supportive family, a place on a sports team, and the list can go on and on. What does hope give man? Hope gives man something to look forward to and something to work on. It means something more than just dreams. It is active and constantly changing as life changes. Hope gives meaning to life by providing man with a sense movement and change for the better. Man without hope is barren. He feels there is no future with him. That he is destined to be the same person always and forever--never changing.

FAITH is mysterious. A man can have faith in his brother's words, God, the company he is working for, his family, a bishop or religious leader, and anything man sees fit to have faith in, but man does not fully understand it. What does faith give man? Faith gives man a greater knowledge and understanding of the divine. It shows beauty and greatness in the simplicity of life. It gives man trust in another person or God and allows man to work directly with them. Faith is also constantly changing and developing into something bigger and better. Faith is mysterious because it shows the simplicity in life, yet it also shows the greatness. How can it do both? That is what makes in mysterious. Faith gives meaning to life by providing man with knowledge of God and trust in God and other people. If man does not have faith, he doesn't look to the greater part of world including the spiritual. He does not trust his family, friends, and people in general. He will most likely think that he knows everything, when in reality he knows nothing.

A REASON TO LIVE is purpose. A man can have a reason to live by gaining passions, family, friends, work, love, school, and many other aspects of life. What does a reason to live give man? It gives man a sense of purpose and duty. It also gives man a reason to dedicate his life to something he loves. A reason to live pushes man to great heights and helps man develop into a better person. Man continues to work and improve upon his reason to live and develops a better life. A reason to live gives meaning to live by giving man a purpose in life that can make him truly happy. Without a reason to live, man has no meaning in life. He doesn't have duty or purpose to live. Man would only be on earth to sit and watch the grass grow, but even that gives him a reason to live. He would have no duty or purpose on earth.

Man can only truly live if he has all of three of these. These things feed the soul and give it life. As the soul grows and expands, man moves closer to gaining his divine potential. This achievement of taking the necessary steps to divine potential provides man with happiness in the good, bad, hard, and easy times. This, however, is only done because the soul is well fed and can withstand what is thrown at it. When you feed your soul, it is like a reservoir of water. The more you feed it, the more full it will be. Then when the trials and tribulations come, part of the reservoir is drained. But if man has fed his soul with the proper food, the tough time will pass and man will survive and continue in happiness in his life. If, however, he did not feed his soul the proper food, he will have to start all over again and regain his testimony to fill the reservoir of his soul again. Man needs HOPE, FAITH, and A REASON TO LIVE to feed his soul and actually live life.

Mysterious Ways

I have been praying to God for awhile now to give me a good straight guy friend. Well, I think my prayer is finally coming true, but it is in a kind of weird way. This friend tells me that he is asexual and that he used to be gay. I trust him and have no reason to believe that he is lying to me. I just find it hard to believe because it is something new and different--something that I have never experienced it before. That is why I have a hard time believing him. Well, that and I have seen other people from Evergreen claim they went from gay to straight but then went back and cheated on their wives (some even leaving their families). That's besides the point though. I have had great conversations with him and I really enjoy talking to him. He is a really good friend. I always look forward to talking to him and I can't wait to hang out with him! I think it is going to be a lot of fun. God does work in mysterious ways and I thank him for giving me this new friend. I think it will be good for me.

It also makes me wonder if His mysterious ways explains why I am a gay. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to see what comes down the road of life and continue to look for understanding.

Clear Broth to Stew

And I had to be alone because anyone who came near me invaded me. Only in the absence of people could I boil myself down to a clear broth and add things a little at a time. Occasionally I would venture out into the world with someone else as my escort, but it guaranteed nothing. Each random moment of interaction held danger.

-Julie Gregory, Sickened

I wrote this a while ago in this post. Now, as you may have noticed, I am starting to write again. I am learning and growing. I have started to become what I have wanted to become again and things are really going well for me.

This process of going from a clear broth to an amazing stew was a hard one, but it was well worth it. I am glad that I set forth on the journey and decided to leave the MoHo world to discover myself and to become what I wanted to. I have truly never been happier. I don't have the best life, but I don't care because I am what I am and I love what I am.

What was this process of making a most delicious stew?

It started out with making goals for myself. They were just small things that I wanted to do. One of them was a small item of service every day. This could be as simple as holding a door open for someone, saying hello to someone who looked down, helping someone out with homework, or just being a friend to someone who needed one. Another one was to focus on what I am passionate about. I started focusing on school, research, work, and developing a better relationship with my family. I then made goals of what I wanted to do in the future--where I wanted to be in five years, ten years, and so on. I then decided to structure my life around how to achieve my goals. I did make some spiritual goals too, but I don't want to share them because they are personal and private.

These goals structured my life and have allowed my growth. They have allowed me to add certain ingredients, if you will, into my clear broth. They have given me direction during hard times, they have given me strength, and they have given me desire to accomplish what I set out to do. I can proudly say that I have been accomplishing my short and long term goals and I hope to continue to accomplish them.

Goals were an excellent starting point, but there was also a lot of introspection going on too. I would look at the past, look at my motives, and look at my mistakes. I learned a lot by doing this and it helped me develop a healthy sense of who I am in certain situations and how desires, moods, and many of things can change depending on the situation I am in. With all of this in mind, I have taken proactive approaches to keep me out of situations where I know I act how I do not want to act. The introspection was also looking at myself and seeing/believing that I could achieve my goals.

The last major thing that I did was to not beat myself up if I made a mistake that set me back from my goals and ultimately who I wanted to become. I eventually realized that everybody makes mistakes and it is how the person responds to the mistake the situation that has been created because of that mistake that makes them who they are. If who we are is determined by our mistakes, we would all be failures and never make the Celestial Kingdom. That is how I came to this realization.

I'm sure that there is a lot more that I did that helped me develop this stew that is me, but these are the things that stand out to me and strike me as important.

Here is to a new and better life... Cheers!

Swim

-"Swim" by Jack's Mannequin

You gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
Swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open yeah
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
For nights that wont end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers your friends
Yeah you gotta swim
For wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed is a flaw
The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim to brighter days
Despite of the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's an ocean to drift in
Feel the tide shifting away from the spark
Yeah you gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim

I love this song. It is such a wonderful message. There may be tidal waves that pull you down and try to drown you, but you gotta swimming. You have to keep swimming to survive. The horizon and your goals aren't too far away. You can make it. Don't let yourself sink... Just keep your head above and swim.

Achieving Greatness

I said this to one of my swimmers a couple of weeks ago and for some reason, it has stuck in my mind and will not leave me. It's like it has been haunting me.

Sometimes you need to fail to achieve greatness.

I never thought something that I randomly came up with on the spot, or at least something that I think I came up with randomly, could have such a great impact on me and my swimmer. When I told my swimmer that, he just said, "Wow! That's something that I really needed to hear." He was having a hard week and wasn't doing as well as he would have liked. I took him aside and talked to him for a bit and then told him that. Throughout the rest of the week, even though he still wasn't doing very well, he had a positive attitude and he tried his best to do the sets that I gave him. He did not make the sets, but he tried. Then these past couple of weeks, he did really well and made every single set that I gave him. If he would have given up after a couple of failures, he would not have known the sweetness of his success and the joy that comes from it.

I feel like this has a lot of parallels in my life. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have also not been the best of people at times, but I always learn from my mistakes. I feel like it is necessary to make mistakes in this life because we learn from them. I know that this may sound like I'm preaching to the choir or something, but this is something that I struggle with and need to realize more often. I am a perfectionist and I tend to need to have everything perfect. I do not let go of failures easily and they usually affect me for a very long time. I need to take my own advice and realize that I sometimes need to fail because I can learn so much more out of failures than out of success. Don't get me wrong, you learn things from success too, but failure usually seems to strike you to the core and teach you in so many ways.

Failing too often can also make you give up. I have never had this problem, but I know some of you have this problem. All that I can say is don't give up. Failure is just a part of greatness. It is something that we all have to go through. Everybody makes mistakes and fails at life. It's what you do after the mistakes and failures and how you handle the situation that makes you who you are. You may feel like crap because you feel like you have failed or made a mistake. If you hide under a rock, you will learn nothing and you will not grow. That doesn't make you any better as a person--it makes you worse. If you take your failure or mistake as a challenge to better next time, you will grow and learn from the situation and it makes you a better person.

Remember that sometimes you need to fail to achieve greatness.

Running Away?

It has been awhile since I last posted. It hasn't been because of a lack of thinking and figuring things out. It has been a lack of time. I had a conversation with a former close friend a couple of weeks ago now and I have been milling it over and over in my mind. I wanted to figure things out before I posted about it and I think that I have a general understanding of what he was saying and how I think he is absolutely wrong.

In our conversation, he told me that I am running away from my problems and who I really am. This is because I have given my time to work, school, and that's about it. I have filled my time with other things. My time is completely filled that I don't have much free time. He claims that this is running away. He told me that this is my method of leaving my problems behind and forgetting about them. It is true that is a way for me not to focus on things that trouble me and bring me down, but I don't consider it running away. If I focus on the things that trouble me all the time, I will mope around and hate life. This is something that I don't need. It is too easy to fall into that process and never be happy and right now I am immensely happy and I don't want to lose it. I don't think that he realized that I do think about things too and try to find ways to make my problems and my life better.

Usually before I go to bed, I think about life. I think about all of the things that I have accomplished, all of the mistakes I have made, what I can do better, what I need to accomplish in the short run to achieve my long term goals, and similar things like that. Is that running away? I don't think so. I am actively trying to improve upon my life and grow. Sure everybody makes mistakes and we all hide them at times, but we do eventually face them and try to learn from our mistakes. I think that he thinks I am still trying not to face them and I can see where he is kind of coming from, but I don't think he is right.

So ever since my last fling with a boy, I have backed out of the MoHo world. I know that hanging around gay people and associating with them gets me in trouble. I haven't ditched my friends. I just don't see or contact them as much and they seem to do the same to me. I'm just in my own little world and they all seem to be in theirs and it's completely fine. Just because I haven't been associating with them and staying out of trouble means I am running away according to my former friend. I don't feel this way at all. I know that I am gay. I know that when I am around other gay men that I tend to do things with them and get into trouble. I know that when I do things with them, I usually become unhappy and feel torn in my life and things start to go downhill. I know and understand a lot about myself. Just because I have decided to not hang out with my gay friends does not mean that I am running away from my problems and who I am. I think it shows initiative on my part and show that I know more about myself than most people. I am also taking my bishop's advice by keeping myself out of situations where I have the potential to commit sin and he doesn't think it is running away either. He thinks it is smart precautions.

Am I running away? I don't think so...